She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
