I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
