Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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