just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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