Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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