I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
