Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
