You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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