Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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