ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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