When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
