Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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