My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
