The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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