if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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