you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
