I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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