I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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