I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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