I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
