she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
