I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
