I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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