Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
