I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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