oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
