New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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