I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
