This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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