I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
