Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i think i have two assholes
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
