I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
