Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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