What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
