I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
