Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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