I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
