i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
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