I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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