So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
