I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
