i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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