Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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