omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
you had me at cake vodka
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
