Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
