i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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