woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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