Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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