it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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