just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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